If you’ve been an interior designer for more than a few minutes you likely have some experience with this topic. In fact, in a lot of cases it’s the free or discounted work designing for friends and family that helps so many of us decide to pursue design as a career. These spaces are the way we test our abilities and truly decide whether this is the right path for us. But not all the stories are positive and in fact, most of what I hear seems like cautionary tales.
I know a designer who lost a very good friend after working with her on a new build. After almost 16 months of working hard and giving way more than was agreed to in the contract, their friendship ended in a couple of loud disagreements that fractured their friendship permanently. If you haven’t already guessed, yes that designer would be me.
This was a lot of years ago but I still feel the pain of that lost friendship. I’ve worked in the homes of every single one of my close friends before and after and all of the rest turned out wonderfully so clearly I didn’t learn my lesson from this painful experience. What can I say? I’m an optimist who believes in people 😉
I do think it’s a cautionary tale though and I can recognize some of the mistakes I made. Which is why I’m diving into this topic today. There are most definitely times when our friends and family are taking advantage of us. There’s also the other side of the coin where we aren’t always doing right by ourselves when we work with friends. Let’s talk about what to do to ensure that you don’t end up fighting with friends and family (or worse).
TIPS FOR SUCCESSFULLY DESIGNING FOR FRIENDS AND FAMILY
🏠 1/ VIEW THE PROJECT LIKE ANY OTHER CLIENT PROJECT
That means you have a contract in place. It means your policies still exist and you enforce all the same boundaries you would with a client. It means you show up on time and you do what you say you’ll do. You also have the same expectations of your friends or family members as you would with any other client. And you definitely need to include the most important part which is the onboarding process. This is even more critical when it’s a friend or family member. If you need to better understand the onboarding process, read this post.
This part is really about the mental preparation needed to work with friends and family. It’s easy to confuse your meeting times as a social get together and blur the lines. It’s easy to fall into friend mode and open a bottle of wine while you’re working.
If the job is a consultation and nothing else, you won’t have to worry about much. I will definitely admit to having a glass of wine while restyling shelves in more than one friend’s house.
It’s those projects that last for months or years that can become problematic and wreak havoc on relationships. You need to treat those large projects like you would any other client work.
🏠 2/ EXPLAIN EVERYTHING BEFORE YOU BEGIN
It’s likely that your friends and family have never worked with another designer since they have you in their circle. It’s a no-brainer that if I need a lawyer or accountant I’ll reach out to a friend or family member first. Same goes for design for those that know us.
Take time to explain how a design project unfolds just as you would with any other new client. You don’t want to assume that you’ll navigate this differently because of your personal relationship. Be sure that you go over expectations (both theirs and yours) at the onset of the project. The more time you take at the early stages, the more you can avoid conflict in the future.
When I look back on my friend’s project I can definitely identify this as a failure on my part. I didn’t fully explain what I would be doing versus what wasn’t included. This later led to resentments on both parts. I was doing additional, free work but she hadn’t fully understood the scope of work and kept asking for what she considered to be reasonable.
I assumed that her and I would be completely chill and work out issues as they arose. In retrospect, I didn’t prepare her for some of the obstacles and stress that can appear in any large project.
🏠 3/ SET VERY STRONG BOUNDARIES. AND STICK TO THEM
Oh boy, I feel this one. In my case my friend would text me and call me daily from morning to late evening with all sorts of questions and input. If I had stated my “office hours” in the early stage I could have avoided the uncomfortable situation later. Often what happens is that we answer the first text that comes at 8pm because it’s not a big deal. But soon that can morph into everyday and it’s hard to stop once that’s the pattern.
Always explain your office hours but more importantly, help your friends and family understand how much communication you’ll be having. If you expect your clients to only email and not text then ask the same of your friend. If you update your clients once or twice a week and they are expected to save all their questions for those meetings, ask the same of your friend.
Don’t expect that your friend or family member knows they’re overstepping (even if you think it’s obvious). There’s so much fear and uncertainty on their part and they rely on you for not just project support but emotional support too. That’s one of the biggest differences I’ve felt when working with friends and family.
Having strong boundaries will help keep them in the loop and feeling like they’re being cared for like any other client.
🏠 4/ NURTURE YOUR RELATIONSHIP OUTSIDE OF THE PROJECT
When a project lasts for months or years it can become the identity of your relationship. You go for lunch and you talk about the project. You go to the beach and talk about the project. You go to yoga and talk about the project. And while there might be moments of other conversations it seems to always circle back to the project.
Make regular dates to reconnect to your friend aside from the project. It’s probably the hardest part of a long project with familiar people. It’s like parents of newborns who have to consciously decide not to discuss their baby when they go on a date. Same goes for work. And if your friend or family member can’t seem to change the channel and talk about anything else, put a stop to your outings until the project ends. Resentment will breed if you spend your spare time talking about work so set that as a boundary and enforce it!
🏠 5/ DON’T TOLERATE BAD BEHAVIOUR
You may need to have a couple of hard talks when you work with friends and family. It happens but if the issues persist you are allowed to walk away from the project.
I tolerated so much bad behaviour from my friend and by the time we had our first heated discussion I was ready to walk away. What kept me tied to the project was firstly my sense of obligation. I hate to quit anything I start and even more when it’s a friend. Secondly, I was afraid if I did it would be the end of our friendship but maybe it would have saved our friendship.
Ask yourself if you would tolerate the behaviour if this were a client. If the answer is no, listen to your gut.
Like I said, every single other project I’ve ever been part of has been a dream so my nightmare experience was truly the exception. I do think it’s possible to have a really positive impact on your loved one’s home. And it’s a special honour to help those we love create a home they love. So what kind of experience have you had designing for friends and family?
If you need some additional documentation to support your operations, visit the template shop.
Thanks for reading. I appreciate you and your time.
Carol